A date with your own self...

I always believed that people who holiday alone, shop alone, eat alone or watch movies alone - not because they don't have a choice but because they prefer it that way- are the bravest. I admire such people. They always intrigued me. It speaks volumes about a person's confidence level when he/she is comfortable being by themselves even when strangers are giving them quizzical glances.

This admiration is more so because I couldn't do all that alone, at least not until few months back.

No matter how hungry I was, I would never go to a restaurant and eat alone. No matter how bored I was, I would never go alone for a stroll in the park or watch a movie. No matter how urgently I needed to buy something, I would never go to shop alone. I always wanted company in form of friends or family. Often, as it happens with many, friends ditch at the last minute stating some or the other reasons. In that momentary frustration I used to resolve that henceforth I will go alone and not ask someone to come along. But that anger melted quicker than an ice cream and I would find myself asking friends again to accompany me for a shopping spree or just a trip to the market to buy some mundane house stuff.

It was only few months back that I made a resolution. That I will start enjoying being alone. This thought was born out of two reasons. First, I wanted to develop my confidence level. And second, I hate depending on others as it gives them power to disappoint you and makes you weak. So I had to- had to learn to do things by myself without relying on others. Even if its awkward, even if strangers curiously glance at me, I decided that it won't deter me and I will complete my task. First I started with travelling alone, followed by shopping alone. I was too self-conscious at first but it got better with every next trip. It was rather too easy as I never liked to spend too much time shopping. I made mental list of things I want to buy, zero down on the shop that stocks what I need, dash in, head straight to the section of my interest without wandering, pick it up and head to the payment counter and rush back home. The actual struggle was to enjoy a movie and meal alone.

Soon the day arrived when I achieved this feat too!! :D

I remember the day very clearly. I was stressed due to some reason and needed a momentary escape to clear my head. Even reading didn't seem like an appealing thought as I was unable to concentrate and the voices in my head were not shutting up. It clicked me the very instance that what will be a better escape than watching movies. Within minutes my apprehension cropped up and I tried to shot done the idea by saying that I don't really need an escape. But I knew better. The next excuse my mind made was that I don't have much cash. Just for fun, I asked my brother if he is willing to lend me some money. He readily did so, looking at the hassled me. So there I was. No excuse left. With only two choices. Either chicken out and remain depended on some company for entertainment or gather some courage and enjoy a date with myself alone. Luckily I chose the latter.

So I travelled to the nearest theatre. As soon as I stood in the queue for the tickets, the strong urge to turn away and run hit me. I noticed few strangers staring at me (or may be I was just imagining it). But then something happened. All the apprehensions, awkwardness went out of the window the moment I heard a young boy standing parallel to my queue, half my age, asking confidently for 1 ticket. I reassured myself, if he can do it, even I can do it. I realised how unnecessary were my concerns.

That day I watched not one but two movies back to back. Yes! TWO movies!!! In between, I also grabbed a cup of coffee and sandwich at a coffee shop. The staff at both, coffee shop and theatre were polite, helpful and considerate. Not once did I feel out of place, not once did I craved for a company, not once did I regretted coming alone. I thoroughly enjoyed the day and didn't really care about the strangers looking at me. It helped me to take my mind off the stress and I felt much better by the end of the day. And I don't think people really care who is alone and who is not. These thoughts are just fictional ghosts created by our mind. The only way to get rid of these thoughts is to take the plunge and face all our fears.

I learned it's quite possible to enjoy a date with yourself. If you can't be alone with your own self then it is not possible for others to enjoy your company. Lesson learned. Now I can't wait to go alone and enjoy a day all by myself....again!