Accept others the way they are. Really?

"The key to happiness is to accept others the way they are", said a serene and popular speaker on spirituality. The speaker mostly makes sense, unlike other so-called-gurus, so it made me think. I have often come across this line. Religious scriptures have mentioned it, gurus and therapists generously advise it. I have also been lectured by someone, how I need to make 'accept others the way they are' my mantra in life as I have very low tolerance for nonsense. 

But I was confused. What exactly does it mean? Do I really don't accept people the way they are?

The one who lectured me is someone who claims to 'accept everyone the way they are' but has bitched about the same people, their family, clothes, siblings, spouse, salary, work, hair, background etc etc..phew So I don't really get it. Does accepting others the way they are means being nice on the face and bitching behind their back? I don't think so. So this interpretation is completely ruled out and needless to say, I shouldn't pay much heed to such lectures.

Moving forward. 

If we stick to the literal meaning of the phrase, it means that we should accept everything - good and bad. So does it implies that we should accept rapists, murderers, cheaters, exploiters, corrupts the way they are? How is that possible? Take for an instance, an alcoholic husband who physically abuses will feel he has the right to tell his wife, "Its not my fault. Its your fault that you are unhappy. Because you are not accepting the way I am", if someone literally follows the advice. Really??? When a victim hears everyone stating that happiness waits for you at the end, if you just accept everything, they feel obliged to accept the insults, abuse, mockery, injustice etc. Unable to do so a victim ends up feeling frustrated and not worthy as they find it hard to accept. Acceptance is misconstrued as accepting every immoral, unacceptable, degrading and abusive behaviour. The conflict between what is supposedly healthy according to outsiders and how we feel inside leads to dissatisfaction and in severe cases, depression.

What is acceptance?

The lines of confusion cleared and I got better understanding when one more line was added to the existing phrase. 'Accept others the way they are. Then choose whether you want their presence or prefer their absence.' A wise man would understand without the second line being added. But not everyone is wise. So we see fools abusing this phrase and use it as a justification for their bad behaviour or lack of ethics. Humans are always on a lookout for justifications. And what better excuse than 'Accept me the way I am or go screw yourself.' Acceptance actually means (like in case of abuse of any kind), to accept your current situation, acknowledge that you tolerated till the time you can, tried to make it work till the time you can, accept that nothing could have predicted/warned/prevented what has happened, accepting that you are not to be blamed and now it is time to move ahead.

I am not saying that with every sign of conflict just flush the person out of your life. With some brain and lot of common sense, it'll be easier to understand what exactly I mean. Like, accept when there is differences in agreement, political views, take on lifestyle, habits, likes, dislikes, choices, ambitions, clothes, eating habits, working style, attitude, nature, comfort. But if there is something that clashes with your ethics and principles, which is wrong by all standards and which compromises with your self respect...its better to say 'I accept that this is how you are, and this is how you are going to be always. But I don't want to be a part of any of it. So I chose to end this relationship.' It is much healthier rather than spitting venom behind someone's back and being nice on the face. Its much healthier than living with resentment, regret, fear, insecurity, pretense and shame. Its much healthier than allowing someone/something to chip away the real you with every strike.

If everything is acceptable to you, everyone looks great, everything seems fine, nothing appalls to you, nothing outrages you, nothing makes you wonder, nothing makes you question, if you weigh everyone as equal then it's time to seriously look at the quality of your life because the world is clearly not ideal at this point of time. Or may be you are a saint. 

To sum it up, I would like to quote a character from the book 'Fountain Head by Ayn Rand'. The character (Wynand) says, "Surely you’ve seen through that particular stupidity. I mean the one that claims the pig is the symbol of love for humanity–the creature that accepts anything. As a matter of fact, the person who loves everybody and feels at home everywhere is the true hater of mankind. He expects nothing of men, so no form of depravity (moral corruption) can outrage him."